
According to Bono he was "the best frontman" the catholic church ever had. Yes, really. Everyone remotely famous has been queueing up to pay similarly ridiculous respects since Karol Wojtyla, the artist formerly known as Pope John Paul II, shuffled off his mortal coil, ran down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.
So, if John Paul II is Top of the Popes, what does the rest of the top ten look like?
- John Paul II (1978 – 2005) – BEST POPE EVER!!!
- St. Peter (32 – 67) – Seminal. The original founding father. Kudos.
- Urban III (1185 – 87) – Introduced hip-hop liturgies and masses. “Was intimate” with the archdeacon of Bath. Killed by the Byzantines in a drive-by shooting, fo’shizzle.
- St. Innocent I (401 – 17) – Honestly didn’t touch the choirboys. Flaunted convention by wearing one glove and "moonwalking" backwards.
- St. Hilarius (461 – 68) – Always had the most whoopee cushions at seminary school. Founder member of the Bonzo Dog Papal Band.
- St. Zephyrinus (198 – 217) – Affectionately known to cardinals as “the old windbag,” this Pope is said to be Tom Jones’ early inspiration.
- St. Simplicius (468 – 83) – A great fan of Kraftwerk. Brought minimalism and moogs to the Vatican. Controversially ousted for delivering the mass in binary.
- Clement XIV (1769 – 74) – No-one ever accused him of being an original thinker, he was, however, a great linedancer.
- Paul III (1534 – 49) – May have been painted by Titian, but by dissolving the monasteries, King Henry VIII of England made him look like a wuss. Listened to a lot of emo.
- Boniface III (607) – Lovely cheekbones, but no stamina. Scored a big hit with his New Romantic version of "Tainted Love."
So there we have it, J-PII comprehensively beats off 2000 years of competition! But was he better than Elvis?
Of course, in the midst of all the fuss and bother about the dead primate, everyone’s forgotten the plight of millions of catholic AIDS sufferers. For the six people who read this site, here’s a quick reminder:
Vatican: condoms don’t stop Aids. The Guardian, 9th Oct 2003.
Vatican in HIV condom row. BBC News, 9th Oct 2003.
And here’s the official Catholic line, in the words of the head of the Pontifical Council for the Family:
All this requires a holistic vision of man and woman, of fidelity in marriage and of sex education, by which the moral aspect of the problem is taken into account. Institutions distributing condoms to children and in public schools are gravely irresponsible. Parents should react, exercising their right to defend their children, so that they are not attacked by this violent type of interference in their world of innocence.
Cardinal Lopez Trujillo on Ineffectiveness of Condoms to Curb AIDS. Catholic Online, 12th Nov 2003.
What are the chances the next doddering septugenarian to wear the funny hat will take a more reality-based approach to the AIDS pandemic?
It’s a good night from me.
And it’s a good night from him.

Goodnight.
Related link: Next in Line. Sunday Herald, 6th Feb 2005.



If Tony Blair can apologise for the Potato Famine, then I can certainly be offended on behalf of the Irish when America turns them into Dr. Seuss characters.

I’ve been kind-of a fan for years, ever since I saw them in support of Radiohead in Oxford, but recently I’ve been getting more into Sigur Rós. Yes, yes, I know I’ve come to them fairly late, but I’ve not been buying quite as many CDs for the last couple of years and it’s not as if they get any airplay on US radio.
This photo, from Norwich’s 3-2 victory over West Brom (only our third win this season) struck me as being very strange indeed. I love the way photography can make everyday life look utterly alien.
Vertigo (1958) is a film about a man who attempts to turn the clock back in pursuit of an image of a woman he loves. The Madeline he loves is not the Madeline who is Elster’s wife. Nor is she Judy, the woman who has been paid by Elster to act as his wife. The Madeline Scotty has fallen in love with is a fiction.
Finally the experimenters are satisfied he can cope with being sent to whichever point in time they choose. He is sent into the future to bring back a power plant which will save the human race. Once he has fulfilled this task he is returned to his prison cell. The virtuous people of the future come to him in his cell and offer to accept him as one of their own. He declines. He doesn’t want to live in the future. He wants to return to the past and the woman he loves. They oblige. He is returned to the moment he remembers so vividly. He has achieved his return to an impossible past, and at the moment of its consummation it is snatched away from him, just like it is taken from Scotty.
"My personal problem is more specific: how to film the ladies of Bissau? Apparently, the magical function of the eye was working against me there. It was in the marketplaces of Bissau and Cape Verde that I could stare at them again with equality: I see her, she saw me, she knows that I see her, she drops me her glance, but just at an angle where it is still possible to act as though it was not addressed to me, and at the end the real glance, straightforward, that lasted a twenty-fourth of a second, the length of a film frame."