A Junkopia Health Warning
I used to think that Absinthe was a pretty deadly drink – Baudelaire (and other artistically inclined Frenchies) destroyed themselves with it for years until the French authorities banned it. But I can’t help thinking that Baudelaire’s decline would have been much faster had he become hooked on everclear. Banned in the UK and several US states, it’s a very highly potent grain alcohol, similar to vodka but much, much stronger. The average bottle of Everclear is 95% proof.
Last night we had drinks with a couple Courtney recently became friends with. As we all know, drinks with me is rarely just a quick little snifter and home early to bed. We hit it pretty heavy. After a good number of empty beer bottles had been racked up our host nipped to the kitchen and rummaged in the freezer. “Have you ever had this?” he asked, holding up a bottle of Absolut. “Yes, of course” I replied. “No, this,” he said, holding up what was in his other hand, a bottle of Everclear.
I was sensible, or so I thought, and took only a couple of sips. It burnt like the first time I drank whisky. It felt like it was taking the enamel off my teeth and bleaching my guts, but other than that I manifested no ill effects. Not immediately, anyway.
I woke up at one this afternoon with a distinctly non-beer hangover. At about four I ate some granola and threw it back up. I slept awhile and then I had an omelette. It just about stayed down. It’s now twelve in the morning and I still feel like a pig shat in my head. Normally my hangovers recede midway through the afternoon and leave in their place an intense craving for fry-ups and pizzas. Not so this one; it has cruelly robbed me of my appetite.
Having undergone this important research, I feel it is my duty to warn you, dear readers, of the dangers of this noxious drink. Even if someone has a gun to your head, decline. A bullet would be less painful.
Of course, after I’d drunk my two sips my host told me what he uses it for when he’s not springing it on unsuspecting guests.
“Yeah, it’s really good for cleaning things.”
Actually, I think we do have Everclear in the UK, but not by that name. We call it methylated spirit. Excuse me, I have an overwhelming urge to retch.
