Lest We Forget

According to Bono he was "the best frontman" the catholic church ever had. Yes, really. Everyone remotely famous has been queueing up to pay similarly ridiculous respects since Karol Wojtyla, the artist formerly known as Pope John Paul II, shuffled off his mortal coil, ran down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.

So, if John Paul II is Top of the Popes, what does the rest of the top ten look like?

1. John Paul II (1978 – 2005) – BEST POPE EVER!!!
2. St. Peter (32 – 67) – Seminal. The original founding father. Kudos.
3. Urban III (1185 – 87) – Introduced hip-hop liturgies and masses. “Was intimate” with the archdeacon of Bath. Killed by the Byzantines in a drive-by shooting, fo’shizzle.
4. St. Innocent I (401 – 17) – Honestly didn’t touch the choirboys. Flaunted convention by wearing one glove and "moonwalking" backwards.
5. St. Hilarius (461 – 68) – Always had the most whoopee cushions at seminary school. Founder member of the Bonzo Dog Papal Band.
6. St. Zephyrinus (198 – 217) – Affectionately known to cardinals as “the old windbag,” this Pope is said to be Tom Jones’ early inspiration.
7. St. Simplicius (468 – 83) – A great fan of Kraftwerk. Brought minimalism and moogs to the Vatican. Controversially ousted for delivering the mass in binary.
8. Clement XIV (1769 – 74) – No-one ever accused him of being an original thinker, he was, however, a great linedancer.
9. Paul III (1534 – 49) – May have been painted by Titian, but by dissolving the monasteries, King Henry VIII of England made him look like a wuss. Listened to a lot of emo.
10. Boniface III (607) – Lovely cheekbones, but no stamina. Scored a big hit with his New Romantic version of "Tainted Love."

So there we have it, J-PII comprehensively beats off 2000 years of competition! But was he better than Elvis?

Of course, in the midst of all the fuss and bother about the dead primate, everyone’s forgotten the plight of millions of catholic AIDS sufferers. For the six people who read this site, here’s a quick reminder:

Vatican: condoms don’t stop Aids. The Guardian, 9th Oct 2003.
Vatican in HIV condom row. BBC News, 9th Oct 2003.

And here’s the official Catholic line, in the words of the head of the Pontifical Council for the Family:

All this requires a holistic vision of man and woman, of fidelity in marriage and of sex education, by which the moral aspect of the problem is taken into account. Institutions distributing condoms to children and in public schools are gravely irresponsible. Parents should react, exercising their right to defend their children, so that they are not attacked by this violent type of interference in their world of innocence.

Cardinal Lopez Trujillo on Ineffectiveness of Condoms to Curb AIDS. Catholic Online, 12th Nov 2003.

What are the chances the next doddering septugenarian to wear the funny hat will take a more reality-based approach to the AIDS pandemic?

It’s a good night from me.

And it’s a good night from him.

Goodnight.

Related link: Next in Line. Sunday Herald, 6th Feb 2005.